She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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