you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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