I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
