my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
