Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
