This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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