marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
