ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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