Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
