Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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