Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
