I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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