My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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