there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
