don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
