A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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