i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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