your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
