Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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