Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
