I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize