Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
