toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
where are my eyebrows?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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