I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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