i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
