I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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