whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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