I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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