why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
