I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
