he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize