Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
