the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
