That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize