We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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