I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
