I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The power of my boobs compel you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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