Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
