Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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