This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
