There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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