I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
