I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
