Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
