she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
