i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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