I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
