I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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