Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
