I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
