My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
