Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
