all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
