Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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