This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
