Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
