Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
