so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
