i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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