I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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