I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
