Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
