Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
