I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
