Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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