What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
