i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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