I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
