I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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