i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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